My Halo does not define me

Hurrah!  Finally, the day has come and my halo has been removed.  I’ll no doubt talk about what that feels like in a later blog, but it’s been a really interesting experience to look and feel different in the 12 weeks since my accident.

And particularly, it’s taught me something about identity – how I define myself. The sudden changes from athlete to halo-man to ‘normal’ again have brought into sharp relief how people see me and how I see myself.

Before the accident, I was aware that I shouldn’t define myself by my status as an athlete – because I am much more than what I do.

Nevertheless, it’s good to acknowledge our achievements and turn that into positive mental feedback.  As athletes, this builds confidence to perform, as we recycle positive visualisation into training sessions and competition. 

So how do we define our identity when we pursue sporting excellence?

My age-group triathlon journey

There have been many moments when I’ve been out training and by telling myself that I’m a GB Age group Multisport athlete have found reserves of endurance and speed.  However, I’ve wrestled with balancing up my pride at having raced for my country (albeit at sub-elite age-group level), with not wanting to seem a show-off.  After all – I’m hardly an Olympic athlete. 

I sort of reconciled this a while ago, chatting to Mac Heslop – one of my long-term mentors at my athletics club.  He was one of the first guys to welcome me into the endurance training group at Durham City Harriers when I started running seriously 15 years ago. Sadly, Mac passed away suddenly last year aged 72, but his words have endured in my head.

A couple of years back, I wore my GB age group training kit to a session and mentioned to Mac that I felt a little awkward.  Without hesitation, he replied “You’ve earned it – so wear it.”  A coach at the club also noted that having my GB tracksuit visible encouraged junior athletes.

And so, I’ve tried not to boast, but if I can encourage others to raise their expectations, then I’ve been happy enough not to hide my achievements.  Occasionally, while being overtaken while out training or racing, I think “I wonder if that person knows they’ve just overtaken an international athlete?”.  This gives me a reality check in my head – to remind myself that my identity should not be as a high-performing athlete!

Athletes who have to stop being athletes

There have been many stories of elite athletes who have struggled mentally after retiring.  Many years of dedicated training are required to get to that level. Performance requires an exceptional level of self-belief. 

It’s no surprise that many elite athletes end up with their identity bound up in their status or performance as an athlete.  When this is all taken away through injury or the inevitable deterioration effects of ageing, it’s a challenge for them to establish their identity in other ways.

This is a warning to us all – don’t invest your entire identity on what you do, because someday it could all end.

How should I define myself?

When I ran marathons, I was a marathon runner.

When I added swimming and running, I became a triathlete.

And when I qualified for the GB Age-group team, I became something more – or did I?

None of this was who I really was.

And when in August 2019 I fell off my bike, broke my back and was fitted with a Halo brace, I suddenly ceased to be an athlete.  I was a man in a halo.

It was very interesting to see how people reacted to me.  I suddenly because much more visible – an oddity to some.  One of my son’s friends at his graduation: “Have you seen that man over there with the weird cage on his head?” My Son: “Yup – that’s my dad…”.  However, I’ve learned that when people look at me strangely, if I make eye contact with them and smile, more often than not it disarms their embarrassment and I’ve therefore had more conversations with complete strangers in the last three months than I can recall in the past several years.

To so many people who knew me before the accident – I have become someone to express love and encouragement to.  I’ve been so blessed and encouraged by the outpouring of support I’ve had both in-person and on social media.

Therefore, I have become the centre of attention.  It’s been easy to feed my ego as virtually everyone I meet wants to know what happened and how my recovery is going. So many people were asking that I had a t-shirt printed (see blog header).

But what now?  My halo has gone.  No-one looks at me strangely anymore (I hope!).  People are going to work out that I am much better and stop asking how I am all the time.

What is my identity now?  No Halo.  I can’t yet run, swim or cycle.  I can’t define myself as an athlete.

If throughout the process above, I had defined myself by what I did, then I think that right now I would have a problem – my ego is not now being fuelled by all the attention I am getting.  I’d love to say I’m perfect, but that’s not true. It has been a challenge not to find myself unhelpfully puffed up with all the attention.

So how do I define my identity?

The sudden changes from athlete to halo-man to ‘normal’ again have exposed some unhelpful ego/motivation.  I’ve had to think a lot therefore about how I define myself.

Happily, I’ve spent the past thirty years establishing an understanding that’s not based upon what I do.  Accepting who I am I terms of character and potential as a human being transcends what activities I do and how I perform.  That’s not to say that from time to time there’s isn’t an element of pride that creeps in an imprints some element of identity from those activities I pursue.

But at the root of it all, I am not a runner, a Triathlete, or a strange-looking man in a halo.

I am Andy.  I am unique and flawed but on a journey to becoming a better person.  And I can accept that, regardless of circumstance.  

The spiritual bit

I am a Christian.  I can’t separate the concept of my identity with what I believe, through faith in Jesus Christ.

I’m not saying that you need to be a Christian to have a strong sense of identity that’s separated from what you do.  But for me, my faith is fundamental to not only my world-view but also my sense of self.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^] The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17 New International Version (NIV)

Many people interpret religion as being a set of rules that defines what you have to do. And by extension, identity can be rooted in what you have done (for good or ill)  But the Christian faith is not a set of rules.  It is an acknowledgement of what God has done for us, by sending his Son to this world to die for us – to take the punishment for our sin and rebellion against God.

And so my identity is not based upon what I have done.  Because if it were, my status as a sinner would prevail and I would still be subject to God’s judgement.  However, God has given me a new life and a new identity. 

I am adopted into God’s family – I am a child of God. And that is what defines me.

What I then choose to do, in the freedom I have, is still important.  I can choose to enjoy the physical abilities that God has blessed me with by participating in sport.  I can enjoy food, drink, companionship and seeing the physical world around me.  Even work can be enjoyed.  But none of that defines who I really am.

I am Andy – secure in being loved and adopted by God.  What I do or look like is secondary.